Learn to Fly Again
by Paranoidgirl
Summary: Darkar's capture left Avalon with some serious issues. How will he cope?


A/N: So this story has been somewhat therapeutic for me. I have some severe anxiety issues and this story has been a way of 'writing it off' so to speak.

* * *

Nighttime at Alfea. The halls gained a certain aura when there were no lights besides the moon and stars, Avalon noticed as he strutted the halls, closing the doors with his magic one by one. His footsteps were hurried and he barely looked as the doors closed. Ever since his imprisonment in Darkar's dungeons, he grew to... dislike the darkness. But then again, he grew to dislike a lot of places after that... The dark. The forest. The city... It was easier to pick the place he did feel safe; Alfea.

During the day, anyway. At night, when the long pillars cast dark shadows over the hallways... It was threatening, to say the least.

"Calm down, Avalon..." Avalon scolded himself. "It's just the dark, it won't hurt you. Monsters don't prowl here." He told himself. It only marginally helped. He slowly continued his walk, until he saw movement down the hallway. He froze. "Who's there?" He asked in a voice too weak and scared for his liking.

The dark is where I'll bind you...

A voice started reverberating in his mind. A cold, cruel voice.

"No... nononono..." Avalon whispered, making himself small. "You're dead. Your voice is my mind playing tricks with me..."

A hand on his shoulder. This was enough to dissipate any feeling of safety he had.

You'll never escape. You're mine and that's final!

"NO!" He called out, turning around and blindly tossing a stream of light at the person touching him. As the light faded, he stood there, breathing heavily, trying to calm himself. It wasn't Darkar. It couldn't be. But then, who did he...? "Oh Lord..."

It was Palladium, a fellow teacher, sprawled against a wall, knocked out by the blast.

"Oh Lord..." Avalon repeated a few more times, hurrying over to the Elf's side. Stupid, stupid, STUPID! Who else could it be but a friend? This was Alfea, no fiends took refuge here. Well, not anymore. "Palladium? Palladium?" He tried, shaking the unmoving man's shoulder, before checking his vitals. Pulse was alright... breathing was fine, if not a bit hitched. Oh, this was great. He could just imagine what happened. Palladium saw him, scared in the dark and wanted to ask what was wrong and maybe comfort him, only to be sent flying.

Now what? Call the nurse? No. That meant having to explain that he assaulted a fellow teacher. This could get him fired. Removed from Alfea. Removed from the only place he felt even remotely safe... Out of the question. He just had to... do it himself. Yes. That was it. The elf didn't look too injured, and he had learned standard First Aid training as a Paladin.

"Alright, up you go." He muttered, picking up Palladium. The unconscious man's head lolled against his chest, and Avalon couldn't help but blush slightly. It was that awkward combination of endearment and fear he felt whenever Palladium was close... something that happened more often than not because, despite his shyness, thanks to his Elven heritage Palladium seemed to have no sense of personal space. And Avalon did have them. Very strict ones in fact, ever since...

Avalon shook his head. He wouldn't go there. Not twice in one goddamn night. Especially now that he had bigger fish to fry. Hurrying to his room, he laid Palladium down on his bed carefully. Breathing was still a bit uneven. Carefully unbuttoning the Elf's blouse revealed quite some serious bruising on that handsome chest... not the time for such musings. "Alright, let's get to it." Avalon said, turning around and trying his very best to focus on the healing. Some time and some awkward bandage-applying later, the elf was safely tucked in under the sheets and now breathing more evenly. Avalon sighed. This had been the easy part. Now he had to explain himself... How could he do that? How could he explain that he just blasted him in a wall? Well, better think of something... He turned away from Palladium, trying to do so.

"Er... Good Morning, Palladium. A-are you okay? Funny what happened, I was trying this... spell... no, no, that won't work." He whispered to himself. "Hey, Palladium. Fancy seeing you here... oh hell no, that would be even worse."

"Not really." Came from behind as Avalon stiffened and turned around. Palladium had woken up, holding the sheet to his chest, looking around a bit confused. "What... happened?"

"Palladium! I...I..." Avalon started.

"I remember seeing you shivering in the hall, scared. I tried to comfort you... there was this bright flash and now I'm here. Partially nude and in your bed." Palladium said, raising an eyebrow. This caused Avalon to panic.

"It's nothing like that! I tried to help you with your injuries you got from me blasting you into a wall!" He blurted out, only to realize that that probably made things worse. "N-no, I-I mean..."

"It's okay." Palladium said. "You probably did it in a panic." With that, he looked down. "I just wonder what it was about me that caused you to panic."

"It wasn't you. It was..." Avalon tried, but stopped himself, closing his eyes and gulping, trying to keep the memories at bay. "I was in the middle of remembering a... horrid time in my life." He confessed.

"Your captivity in Shadowhaunt?" Palladium guessed. Avalon just sighed.

"Indeed. It left a greater impact then I figured it would have." He confessed. Gods, talking about it still felt difficult.

"Perhaps... you need some counseling?" Palladium carefully suggested.

"Of course not. I just have to deal with it on my own." Avalon said, getting defensive.

"No one will think lesser of you if you talked about it with a professional." Palladium tried again. Avalon just sighed.

"A Paladin... is a paragon." He said. "Of hope. Of light. To become tarnished is to... to fail at that."

"Tarnished? You're not tarnished, Avalon." Palladium said, trying to place a hand on Avalon's shoulder, who just shrunk away.

"I am... I'm tarnished." Avalon said, placing his arms over his stomach in a defensive manner, before getting up from the bed. "I-I should go..."

"Avalon... wait!" Palladium tried, but Avalon shut the door on him. "This is your room." Came from said door a few seconds later as Avalon groaned, holding his head. Opening the door again, he saw a rather sheepish looking Palladium.

"I'll guess I'll be... going to my own room, then." The elf quietly said.

"That... would be for the best, yes." Avalon agreed.

"Okay, goodnight." Palladium said, but not before giving Avalon a small peck on the cheek. "Work on getting better, okay?" With that, the elf left. Avalon felt the peck on his cheek, before sighing sadly.

"I'll try..." He simply said, closing the door.

* * *

The next few days were... uncomfortable, to say the least. Avalon grew anxious about many things. Would Palladium understand his plight? Would he help or ignore it? Or, and this was the worst... would he tell others? By the Gods, he hoped not.

After avoiding most of his colleagues for the day, he went up to the roof and stared at the sky. Before his... imprisonment, when he felt this anxious, he'd just... fly off. Take to the skies. But now, he couldn't summon his wings.

"Avalon?" Came from behind, and the Paladin looked around to see Palladium. "Am I interrupting something?"

"N-no, not at all." Avalon said, turning towards the elf. "I was just... thinking, is all."  
"About last night?"  
"A little." Avalon looked down, unsure what to say. "Listen, I..." He hesitated. "I'm sorry."  
"Don't be. You didn't do anything wrong. If anyone needs to apologize, it's me." Palladium said. "I may have been a bit too forward. This is your struggle, and you probably don't want an outsider telling you what to do. You're an adult, after all."

"You were trying to help. You shouldn't apologize for trying to help." Avalon said, rubbing his arms. "A-and I... might need some help. I just... I just don't know how." He looked down. "I'm not... I never dealt with something like this."

"I'm pretty sure not many people have. Don't feel ashamed." Palladium said, walking forward and placing a comforting hand on Avalon's shoulder. He just flinched and backed away. "Alright, no worries, that won't happen again." Palladium said, taking his hands away, trying to come over as accepting. It only made Avalon feel worse. Palladium was trying to help, for the Lord's sake, he shouldn't be acting like this.

"I-I should go... my class starts soon." Avalon muttered as he hurried away. Once back inside he leaned against the wall, sighing. This was going to be a difficult year.

* * *

A few days passed, as Palladium kept his distance, obviously noticing how Avalon felt about it. Slowly but surely, Avalon returned to feeling only slightly anxious, instead of terribly anxious. It was... well, not progress, but at least things didn't get worse.

"Now what do I do?" Avalon muttered to himself as he took a bath. He always liked taking hot steaming baths. Now they were about the only thing that made him feel at ease. He glanced sideways at the bathroom mirror. Or rather, where the bathroom mirror was supposed to go. He had removed it, along with all other mirrors in his quarters. He sighed as he looked at the reason why on his arm.  
Scars.

Dozens of them. Of magic. Of physical brutality. Most of them scratches of those wicked claws Darkar possessed. Just rotting away in a dungeon wasn't enough for that fiend. He had to have his fun with Avalon. He tried everything to have them removed. Every healing spell he learned as a Paladin. Every herb or plant with healing properties. They just didn't go away. Knowing Darkar, they were cursed to stay on him forever. A reminder of that time he was nothing more than a plaything. Stripped of even his identity. Groaning, he got out of the water and started drying himself off. Every time he wanted to forget he would encounter a mirror and it would all just come back. But luckily, there were no people alive that knew about it. At least, if he stayed vigilant.

Which he currently wasn't, so he didn't hear the door of his room open.

"Avalon? Faragonda asked me to give you this note, so if you could..." A voice came as Palladium entered, reading said note. Avalon knew he had to do something quick! But he froze up as Palladium looked up from his note, eyes widening.

"What happened to you?" The elf asked, carefully coming closer. "Were you attacked? These don't look recent... Do you need help?"

"Go away!" Avalon simply said, panic overtaking his mind. Someone knew... someone knew...

"Avalon, I..." Palladium tried, carefully touching Avalon's arm.

"Don't touch me!" Avalon shouted backing away, eyes brimming with fear. Taking the towel, he immediately wrapped it around his shoulders, once again hiding his scars. "Don't look at me."

"Avalon, please..." Palladium tried as Avalon cowered from him.

"Go away! Just... go away! And don't tell anyone about this! Promise me!"

"I promise." Palladium softly said, before quickly making his exit as Avalon locked the door behind him before collapsing on the floor. Someone knew... someone knew... That taught alone paralyzed him with fear.

* * *

The paralysis eventually went away. The fear didn't. Avalon managed to get dressed, but he couldn't find the courage to get out of his room. By now Faragonda probably knew. The rest of his colleagues would follow... Avalon just... curled up in his bed and covered himself with blankets, trying really hard to just... forget the world around him.

A knock on his door. He didn't feel like answering.

More knocks.

"Avalon, please open the door." It was Palladium. "Listen, I-I'm sorry for just walking in like that, but..." The elf tried, obviously not knowing what to say or do. "If it makes you feel better, I haven't told anyone. I made a promise. I'm not going to break it." Avalon didn't say or do anything. The reassertion of the promise made him feel somewhat better, but that was about it. "Please... Even... even with that promise, people will get nosy if you start skipping work." This caused him to groan and sit up. That would surely just make things worse. Dragging himself out of bed he opened the door.

"Tell them I'm sick." He said to Palladium, before closing it again.

"O-okay." He could hear Palladium meekly say, before leaving. Avalon just sighed. He knew his colleague was right. He couldn't just start skipping work like that. He had to... he had to deal with it. On his own.

* * *

The next day, he found the strength to get out of his room again. Breakfast was awkward, but teaching went alright. It was exhausting, but probably better then retreating to his bed, no matter how tempted it was at several occasions. He could see shadows in every corner. All eyes seemed to be on him and all whispers he heard he swore were about him, too. They would fill his head with what he taught people taught about him. And what they were thinking about him wasn't very pleasant. When it finally ended, he did what he always did; find a high vantage point, spread his wings and take to the sky.

Too bad his body didn't agree with the latter half. He found a high vantage point on the roof, but tried as he might, his wings wouldn't spread. Wouldn't even appear. This was frustrating. In defeat, he conceded to just stand there.

"Avalon?" Came from behind, as he turned around.

"Palladium? What are you doing here?" He asked.

"I was worried about you." The elf answered, standing next to him. "What are you doing here?" He started, as Avalon was a bit taken aback by it.

"Ever since Darkar imprisoned me, I haven't been able to spread my wings. It's frustrating, to say the least. I want to clear my head by taking to the sky so badly." He could see Palladium's hand reach for his shoulder, before retreating it, probably realising my discomfort for human touch by now.

"I could help. There's plenty of floatation potions I've made over the years…." Palladium started, but I shut him up with a glare. "I know… it runs deeper than that. I'm sorry." He apologized as Avalon just looked away.

"I just…. I used to be so sure of myself. Knew where I stood. That all crumbled when Darkar…" He couldn't finish that sentence.

"It's okay." Palladium said, taking Avalon's hand, who didn't flinch away. "I got you. And the others, too."

"They know?" Avalon asked, a hint of panic.

"No. They don't. However, maybe things would be better if they did. Listen, I've known them for years. Some for over a century. You can trust them with this."

"I…" Avalon started. He knew Palladium was right. His colleagues were good, honest people. They would understand.

"Think about it. I'll let you decide when or if you want to tell them. Just know… you don't have to do this on your own." Palladium told him.

"I need time to think." Avalon said. Palladium just nodded in an understanding way.

"I'll leave you alone now. Please… DO think about it." He insisted, before slowly turning around and leaving. Avalon wanted to hit himself. Stupid. Palladium tried to help and this was how he reacted? Stupid. Stupid. STUPID! He sighed. This had to stop…

* * *

Another day, and he felt glad that things started to fall back into routine. That said, his head kept going back to the talk he had with Palladium. Should he tell? The logical part of his mind agreed with that sentiment. But he found it hard to concede to it. How would he start? What would he say? Would they accept? What if they didn't? That was a very small chance, but… it was there. And the taught numbed him.

Before he knew it, it was time for their weekly staff meeting. This would be awkward, but again, great to distract himself. Discussing matters of their students. Of their trades… However, then came the end.

"Well, with that done, are there some other matters we might discuss here?" Faragonda asked and he swore, all eyes were now on him. A silence followed.

"Uh…." Avalon said after a while, breaking the uneasy silence, but not saying anything else.

"Yes, Avalon?" Faragonda asked. Avalon didn't know what to say, or to do. He glanced over at Palladium, who just smiled encouragingly.

Don't look at me…

Was all that was going through his head as he tried to think what to say.  
"Out with it, we haven't got all day." Griselda said after some silence, crossing her arms.

Don't look at me.

"Or, if there isn't anything, I think we should just end thing right he…."  
"Don't look at me!" Avalon said out loud. The wrong thing to do as now he had everyone's undivided attention. "I mean… I… er…." He started to stammer, panic overtaking him. "I have to go." With that he got up and rushed as quickly as he could without running, out of the office and to his living quarters. Once there he realized how exhausted he felt. How terrified. If they didn't know before, they sure as hell did now…

* * *

He skipped dinner that night. And breakfast after that. He couldn't look anyone in the eyes. He just…. couldn't.

A knock on his door. Was it Palladium? Faragonda? Griselda? To tell him he was fired and should leave?

"Professor Avalon?" Griselda. Of course. "I try to respect your privacy, but you need to get out of there and talk to us if any of this is going to be solved." She called. Avalon just sighed as he opened his door to greet her. "Good. Faragonda wants to speak to you in her office. Alone."

Alone.

This was it. He was going to leave Alfea. Leave the only place he felt safe. And it was all his own damn fault. So, with a feeling of utter doom, he complied and went to her office. Better to end this quickly… Entering her office, he noticed they were the only two here. That was good… No more eyes on him then needed.

"You… you wished to see me?" He carefully asked. She just nodded.

"Please. Have a seat." She told him, as he did. He tried to look at least somewhat decent, he did. But the fear and defeat that he felt made it so his shoulders almost automatically hunched forward. "We've noticed some… worrying behavior from you the last few weeks." She started. Avalon just nodded. "Palladium especially. He didn't tell anything, but his concern for you is very palpable, even without words."

"I-I'm aware." Avalon stammered.

"Is there something we might need to know?" Faragonda asked. "Because it seems you have anxieties that are taking a hold of you more and more. As headmistress of this school I feel it's my duty to make anyone feel safe at Alfea. Students and staff alike."

"Y-you do. I feel safe at Alfea. It's about the only place I do so." Avalon answered, before looking down. He said too much.

"How come?" Faragonda asked. Avalon just looked down again. Just thinking about it made memories flare up about his time in that dungeon. The way Darkar tortured him with claws and words. His arms creeped up his shoulders as he hugged himself. "Is it Darkar?" The name alone made him flinch. "I'm sorry, that question had an obvious, but difficult answer." Faragonda apologized. "If you want some help considering the matter, I know some people who might..."

"No!" Avalon quite fiercely interrupted her. "This can't get out. If they found out at the Academy, I…" He stopped there, looking down. "I might lose my degree…. My job. My life."

"Oh dear Avalon…" Faragonda couldn't help herself. "Sharing your ordeal will not make you lose anything." She tried to assure him.

"You don't understand. As a Paladin I have to set an example… I can't do that while I'm… cowering in a corner fearing every shadow because that monster might lurk in it!" He shouted out that last part, before covering his mouth and realizing what he had let on.

"Your fear… doesn't make you weak." Faragonda said.

"A Paladin… must be fearless. It's right there in our oath!"

"Well, if I may be frank, that Oath needs a serious update." Faragonda bluntly said. "Fear is natural and after what you've been through, completely understandable." This caused Avalon to gasp in shock. "Please, Avalon. While I agree you have to work on this, trying to be completely fearless will just make it worse."

"Then what should I do?" Avalon asked. "And please don't say I'll figure it out myself. I don't. I haven't for years now."

"Just let us help you." Faragonda simply said. This, for some reason, stumped Avalon. "We don't want you to feel like this."

"How can you say that? You don't even know how I feel."

"Then how do you feel?" Faragonda asked.

"Confused. Trapped. Like any moment everything I've worked for will become undone and there's no one to blame but myself." Avalon said. It was taking a lot out of him.

"This… this needs some precautions. As you said, me saying 'that won't happen' is not going to work." Faragonda says. "But I will do my very best to make sure you'll be safe. That, I promise." Avalon just looked down, before sighing.

"Thanks, Faragonda." He said, before getting up. "May I be excused?"  
"Of course." With that he left quickly. On his way back to his office he started to feel… relieved. The fear wasn't completely gone, but there was some comfort in Faragonda's words. As if a heavy weight was lifted from his shoulders. Then Palladium walked up to him.

"Hi." Avalon said.

"Uhm…. Hi." Palladium answered, looking down awkwardly. "Listen I…" He started. "I'm sorry…"

"For what?" Avalon asked.

"Getting this entire thing rolling." Palladium said, sighing. "You've been having such a hard time lately and… I feel like I'm at least partially responsible for that."

"It's fine. Really." Avalon said. "If anything, things will be better from now on. I hope."

"Still, I feel the need to do something to make it up to you…." Palladium said, before his face brightened. "How does diner sound?"

"Are you…. Using this to ask me out on a date?" Avalon asked, as Palladium just rose his hands and started waving them nervously.

"N-no. I didn't mean it like that, I swear! I just wanted to make you feel better!" He tried. And for all that happened, Avalon couldn't help himself as he started laughing.

"Don't worry, I get it. And after the things that happened, I'll happily take you up on that offer." He said.

"The date? Or just the diner?"  
"Let's start with just the diner. After that… who knows?" Avalon said, as Palladium smiled warmly and nodded. "When do you have time?"  
"How does tomorrow at six sound?"

"Sounds perfect, I see you then." He said, smiling before walking off with a slight wave. Avalon smiled, before walking off himself.

To the roof of Alfea.

There he stood, looking at the sky. He closed his eyes, breathing in deeply.

Two glowing wings spread from his back. As he opened his eyes and looked at them, he couldn't stop some tears from welling up. They were back. They were finally back…

But would they work?

"Only one way to find out…" He said, before kneeling down, spreading his wings. With one mighty flap, he was airborne. As he did so, he couldn't help but laugh loudly as he flew off into the sky.

Down at the fountain, Faragonda was looking up. Also smiling warmly at the man currently soaking in the sun above the clouds.

"Have fun. You earned it."


End file.
